Have you ever made a mistake that hurt someone you love so profoundly that even you didn’t want to be around yourself while you figured out why you said or did something to embarrass or humiliate the person you care about the most? Most of the time in my experience, if I do something inexplicably rude, it’s as a reaction to an emotion someone else made me feel. But this time was different. There was no instigating of emotions, no reaction to anything anyone else made me feel. I was just solid gold inconsiderate and flat out careless with my husband’s feelings and his hurt nearly tore my insides apart.
We have just returned from the most inspirational week in New York City after Gabe surprised me with the trip of a lifetime to have an opportunity learn from two of our favorite photographers, Lindsay Adler and Brooke Shaden by becoming Assistant Producers on the [Framed] Network’s new show, The Concept. I had no idea that learning from 2 of my favorite photographers would turn out to be more like learning from a dozen or more just as influential, just not yet famous people from all walks of creativity and life.
New York on its own inspired me. But this experience took every inspiration and slapped a giant magnifying glass on our emotions and made every emotion feel like a moment to express ourselves.
A common theme of the week was fear….and facing them head on. Of fears, I have many, but sharing my emotions about when I’ve been wrong is definitely at the top. Normally if I mess up, I just want to move on and push it out of sight and mind. I certainly don’t want to make my mistakes public. But this time, I felt sorry on a level I didn’t know how to express with words…or even actions. So, I chose to apologize to my beautifully creative, inspirational, brilliant husband through a photograph…and uh, I guess also a blog post.
I’m curious to know if any of you have ever felt this way after hurting someone’s heart and how you dealt with it internally. Have you ever felt the sort of inner pain that sends you straight to a corner to get away from everything? But even in that corner you can’t get in deep enough to hide from yourself? I said words that hurt my husband so profoundly that I wanted to claw out the walls and crawl inside to get away from the person I was. Since I can’t escape myself in reality, I created this image to express how awful I was feeling and to attempt to say how very, very, very sorry I am.
As you’ll be able to see from the behind the scenes images of how this was created, the original intent of the photograph had a very different, more light hearted meaning. But as soon as I started working on the final product, I scrapped half of the original components and redirected it to a place that even now I’m afraid of showing to anyone.
Behind the scenes:
The actual shooting of this was beyond fun. I fully expected to hold equipment and run around on sets helping Brooke and Lindsay create their magic. I didn’t quite expect them to become my assistants. Their enthusiasm for helping all of us bring our visions to life is such a testament to who they are as not only artists, but also people and friends. (But those details are for another post coming soon!) My most memorable moment photographing this one was when Brooke was on the floor helping my model, Carolyn, “fly”. We were trying to figure out how to balance her on Brooke’s back when Gabe came over and said he could help hold her up. Having him there sort of took away Brooke’s roll as balance board and Gabe just casually started directing everyone who was helping. We all lost it with laughter when he said, “Lindsay, you stand there and flip her hair, I’ll hold her up and Brooke….well, you just stay down there for fun.”
And she did.
I love all of my new incredible friends. But mostly my husband, who makes all of my dreams come true, whether I knew they were existent or not. From the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry for hurting you.